“I am from Cape Town. I went to Jo’burg in 1981 to work as a chef, but I left the job as it returned to CT and I had met someone and wanted to stay him.

“The relationship went well but then there was much quarrelling due to all his girlfriends, I was jealous. I wanted him all to myself. I fought the other girlfriends to keep him. I was sterilised but we agreed to have children and he promised to marry me so I was untied. We had 2 children, - a girl in 1987 and a boy in 1988. I took them with me to Cape Town to visit my family for a few months. But a friend told me that I must go back to Jo’burg as my boyfriend was taking other girlfriends and they were playing with my things in our flat. So, I went back to my boyfriend. A girlfriend left on the Saturday and I arrived back on the Sunday. I fell pregnant again and we had our third child, MaryAnn, in 1991.

“The baby became very sick after the 3rd month – sores on her little body. I didn’t know what it was. The doctors couldn’t identify it and said it was a ‘skin problem’ that she would grow out of. The baby became very sick. Zuko and I fought a lot and I decided to return to Cape Town in 1996. I took the baby to the Red Cross Children’s Hospital and they said that the baby had TB and was HIV+. ‘But how can that be, if I am not HIV+?’, but they said if the baby was, I would be too. And they tested me and I was. The baby was given treatment and I was told she was then clear of TB.

“I was told to go to the hospital for treatment for HIV, but I did not go. I could not accept what they told me, they must be mad. In 1998, I felt I had an odd cough. I went to the doctor and he told me it was TB and I was lucky to have come to him so early, before the TB damaged my lungs. I asked him to look at my baby who was also sick with some of the same symptoms. He did a daisy prick and said that she was fine. I begged him to do an X-ray, because I knew she was not right. He finally did and it showed that her lungs were already badly damaged by TB.

“At this time, I stayed with my mother in Cape Town but she did not want me there, as the house was full with my sister and her children. I took all my money from the bank and found a place that I bought in Phillippi. I told my sister. She was very supportive. They never ignored me, they helped me, supported me. But they have their own problems, they can’t always just worry for me. But I know they will help bury me when I die. They helped bury MaryAnn. I would like to have a funeral policy but I do not have enough money.

“It was hard for me to get a job. The long hours made me sick, then I couldn’t work. I was really struggling. I had thrush in my throat and my baby also. She was very ill. They sent me to a couple of hospitals. My daughter said, “Mummy I want to live. I don’t want to leave you alone. I want to die with you.”

“She had unhealed sores. Other children don’t want to go near her. She goes to school and then she comes home when she is sick. She gets warm, cold, warm, cold – that was when the immune system was not working for her.

“The doctor told me that my daughter was going to die. She had arthritis. I had to put her on my back if we went on a trip. She was 2 weeks on Conradie Hospital. I heard her telling the other children at the hospital ‘You know what, I’m HIV+ but my mother says I must not tell anyone.” She died on Saturday morning. I was holding her in my hands.

“I thought to myself, God must take her before me. My other 2 children are young. They need me. I’m living for them. God understands my prayers. He took my daughter.

“I do not take the treatment. It makes my skin go dark and pimply and I feel so weak. I feel worse on the drugs so I don’t take them. If you eat well, you stand more chances of living a long time. You must eat garlic, drink water and pray. It’s only the prayers, the water and the garlic that works for me. I’m so scared now. I don’t take a chance. Thrush kills.

“I spend my money on medication and good food for myself and my children. I get charged R2000 for sewerage, water and electricity for the year. I do not have that money. The school fees are R200 a year for each one, plus some books and uniform. Where should I get this kind of money? In the middle of the month it is very tough. But my children understand. It’s only at the weekend that we eat full meals. During the week we have just bread and eggs – sometimes just tea, or starch drink (hot water with sugar). The thing that keeps me healthy is God. He’s the only one that knows and sees, and he provides.

“Wola Nani gave me a food parcel. It is something. Better than nothing. Then with the beading, I get a little more. But it is not very much. There is more in season time. Beggars can’t be choosers.

“I was at stage 4. I should have got a grant but my application was rejected 3 times. Then I got meningitis. I went to hospital and the doctor helped me to get a grant.

“I’ve tried to make the house nice for the children, a 3 piece suite, a fridge and a microwave. I even got a R4000 loan for an extension. But with the meningitis, I went to the stores where I had an account and told them. They cancelled the accounts but they let me keep the things.

“My boyfriend has not given me anything. He promised money but he never did. I don’t have a boyfriend now. I don’t want one. I can’t take my virus and give to someone else. It is a sin. It’s too long now, I don’t even think of having a boyfriend.

“My 2 children are 15 and16 now. They know about HIV because of me. They are also told about it at school. We talk about it openly at home. I don’t hide anything from them.

“I heard of Wola Nani when I had TB. The clinic told me about the support group. It made me feel good to go. We talked about how we felt about losing a child. They gave me comfort – at least I saw my daughter grow to be 9 years old. On mothers’ day, I bought her flowers and put them on her grave. She suffered a lot. She really struggled. She wanted to live. I saw everything. She was everything a child could be to a mother. She was my angel. I have her picture by my bedside.

“I want my children to have the best they can. I want them to go to College. They are both so intelligent but money is a problem. We have a good life, we talk nice, laugh, make jokes – the 3 of us. They don’t like seeing me sick. They don’t even go to school then.

“If I accept it, it goes well with me. If I don’t accept, it shows. I talk to it – You are living in my body, in my blood. Please be good to me and I’ll be good to you. You took my baby already, don’t take me.

“I think it was my boyfriend who infected me. He was fooling around. I have to face the consequences. It is life. I’m trusting no-one for my life, except God. It is good to be open. To talk about it. Keeping it in your heart, is killing yourself.”